


Dancing on the Edge of a Knife

by supercalifragili



Series: Healings [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 22:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2364113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercalifragili/pseuds/supercalifragili
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes he watches the ceiling for so long and his mind goes blank for a while; he sighs and he just waits for the <em>They’re lying </em>and<em> You’re wonderful and kind and Zayn, listen to me, those people are not right in the head okay? They’re just trying to bring you down, </em>he already heard a bunch of time but doesn’t stick in his head. He reads <em>Do you think you could have done this alone? No, you’re nothing alone, who are you?</em> And he bursts out laughing because he doesn’t even know, he doesn’t know what he is, he forgets about that too. There’s too many <em>Zayn</em>, too many <em>you have to say this, you have to do that</em> and sometimes he thinks <em>what did I sign up for? Give myself up to people I don’t know?</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Dancing on the Edge of a Knife

**Author's Note:**

> The cursive at the start and the title are from Get Down by James Arthur. I'm sorry for any mistakes!  
> Hopefully it makes sense.

_And we're dancing on the edge of a knife_

_And could I be your hero or your villain_

_Uhh, I guess it just depends in whose eyes_

 

Zayn is going, Zayn is fleeing. Liam can see it in the way he moves, the drag in his walk and the way his hands are in fists. He watches the way his veins are protruding through the skin of his arms, the soreness that invades his body, the passiveness of his eyes.

He says _I’m so much more than this_ and he sags against the wall, fingers twitching in search for something and Liam takes his hand, he feels the pinching and the pressing that Zayn does unconsciously, his skin like a craving disease that feeds off Zayn’s moments of vagueness. The _I’m trying, I’m trying I can’t change that_ and he understands (and he tries to sympathize- failing because he’s not him), he knows Zayn knows how he good is, but he loses focus for a while, he loses his purpose and shuts down.

Zayn closes his eyes and listens to music till his body shakes and he forgets about being there, about being part of all of this. And if Liam could take away the pain, the accusations, the wickedness, he would, but he can’t because he’s not strong even for himself.

He watches as Zayn goes walking up and down, chuckles at funny videos, closes and locks that fucking door and stays there until stars appear in the dark night, lights closed in the room. When he comes out he says _It’s better_ and Liam thinks _no, it’s not_ , but he doesn’t say because Zayn lays his head on Liam’s chest and murmurs _Am I free yet?_ And Liam doesn’t know, he doesn’t know and he won’t ever know because this is Zayn’s battle. Not his.

Zayn _goes_ sometimes, he doesn’t show it but he has an internal bottle tall his size, and it fills until he’s full with it, there are words in that bottle, there are things about who he is in there and Zayn looks like he’s going to break, the smudges under his eyes from the continuous rubbing and sleepless nights are prominent and don’t seem to fade away. And Liam wishes One Direction would stop, everything would stop, for a moment he wishes this would have never happened.

-

Zayn sometimes thinks he should have known better. Maybe that's why his father was trying to keep him, keep him from all of this, the worry in his eyes and _You are light_ he would say kissing him on the forehead before everything started and his _don't forget_ whispered in his ears after giving him blessings. He would cup his face and his brown eyes would tell stories about freedom and pride and life, Zayn would cover his father's hands and tell him _I won't forget_. He's not forgetting. He just feels like it's not enough, he feels like he won't be okay if his dad won't tell him those words again.

His dad calls on the regular and Zayn listens to his voice asking _when are you coming home?_ They pray together during the afternoon and before hanging up his dad always says _May our God keep you strong._

Sometimes he hears himself say _Don’t worry, it’s not any different_ but it is, and he shrugs because he could do much more, he could do so much more but he doesn’t or he can’t or they stripped that away from him, whichever.

Because it’ll never be enough, he won’t be good enough, talented enough, intelligent enough, fast enough, _not himself_ enough. It’s never fucking enough and his mum calls him; his mum calls him and she tells him _You’re a great person, you are many people’s hero, their inspiration, nobody can take that away from you_ and Zayn can sleep, he wonders what kind of villain he is in front of those other people’s eyes. _I could bare my heart to them and it wouldn’t make a difference._

Sometimes he watches the ceiling for so long and his mind goes blank for a while; he sighs and he just waits for the _They’re lying_ and _You’re wonderful and kind and Zayn, listen to me, those people are not right in the head okay? They’re just trying to bring you down,_ he already heard a bunch of time but doesn’t stick in his head. He reads _Do you think you could have done this alone? No, you’re nothing alone, who are you?_ And he bursts out laughing because he doesn’t even know, he doesn’t know what he is, he forgets about that too. There’s too many _Zayn_ , too many _you have to say this, you have to do that_ and sometimes he thinks _what did I sign up for? Give myself up to people I don’t know?_

Liam smiles softly and almost saddened when they wake up in the morning and Zayn is wrapped in his arms, warmth frolicking in the pores of his skin and his heart beats loudly. Zayn smiles back, he doesn’t know if it’s a grimace or a smile, somehow his lips don’t pull up quite well and Liam kisses his eyes close and Zayn snuggles in the heat. Liam presses other kisses on his head murmuring _you’re gonna do great, no, you’re a great, you always are, I’m right next to you_. Zayn thinks Liam can’t save him, nobody can save him, he has to do this, because this is about him, nobody else.

Zayn looks at the sky and stands stretching a little, he looks at Liam’s body on the bed, light sheets against his skin and then he remembers _you know what?_ He goes to the bathroom, steps in the shower and scrubs the dirt they throw at him, he washes the lies, he wipes the wounds and _I’m enough_ he thinks, because he is enough, he’s more than enough. He is strong, he’s still there and he’ll go on, he’ll continue.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
